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Not to sound ungrateful, but … | Columnists

DEAR FRANKIE

Not to sound ungrateful, but …

Frankie is a rescue dog and an emotional support animal for Geneva Woodruff. Woodruff is a retired educator.

Dear Frankie,

How would our moms like it if they went to the hairdresser and their hair was washed with dog shampoo? I bet they wouldn’t. 

It upsets me how far humans take the idea that we are children dressed up in dog clothing. Or, however, that sheep saying goes.

You get my point. I know we are lucky to have wonderful human families. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. It’s just that you could gag from the smell of that lavender shampoo and spray the groomer uses. You should hear how the groomer carries on about only using the purest, most organic, and natural products.

My mom, of course, laps it up. She’s at the health store every other day. This stuff takes about four weeks to fade before I get back to smelling like my ol’ doggy self. Then, wham, two weeks later back to the groomers. 

Am I alone on this?

Disgruntled,

Henry

Dear Henry,

I see from the picture on your letterhead that you are a beagle. Beagles are known for their acute sense of smell. That’s what makes them excellent hunting dogs. 

Can you imagine hunting for sport in this day and age? If ever there was a despicable human activity for recreation, this is it. But that’s a topic for another column.

I don’t know how you can communicate your feelings to your mom. This is a matter you need to take into your own paws. 

When outside, roll around on the grass — or if it’s winter, the snow. On rainy days, ask to go out often. I understand how unpleasant walks in inclement weather can be, but they are the closest you will get to a shower.

If you walk in parks, go under low bushes — pine if you can find them — and brush against the needles. When at home, hang out by the garbage can and take naps on top of old toys or blankets you have slobbered on for years.

I think you get a general idea — rub out the bad smells, hang out by the good ones. None of these strategies will restore your essence in a few days. However, they might get you back to your ol’ self, say in three weeks.

Hey, it’s better than four. Sorry, I don’t have a quick solution to offer.

Best,

Frankie

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